BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR
If you have ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility. .....
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description? '
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with the same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.' The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Elder Mediation
Not earth shaking news, but our population is aging. As such, given human nature, the potential for conflict is increased among seniors and their families. I found this article on the mediate.com website by Norman Pickell and thought I would share it with you.
Seniors are living longer today. They prefer to remain living in their own homes as long as possible. Seniors like their independence. They want their children to get along with each other. Seniors want to live with dignity and respect. Everyone wants seniors to be safe.
Seniors always know what is best for themselves. The children of seniors never argue about their parent’s care. Seniors have open discussions with their children about financial matters. Seniors are safe to continue driving.
For the most part, the statements in the first paragraph are true. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the statements in the second paragraph.
No one disputes the fact that being independent and active is key to a senior’s mental and physical health.
However, as seniors grow older, decisions often need to be made about where to live, should the senior continue to drive, how should financial affairs be managed and what kind of medical care is appropriate. These are tough emotional decisions often requiring difficult conversations within a family.
There are several housing options available for seniors, including their own home, an apartment, a retirement home, a long term care home (also known as a nursing home) and living with one of the senior’s children. If the senior wants to continue living on his or her own, can something be done to make that feasible?
Very few people want to give up their driver’s licence as they grow older. Many see such a step as a loss of independence. But for most families, that conversation must take place. Options need to be considered. The driving ability of a senior impacts not only the senior, but also everyone who uses the highway.
For some seniors, the financial cost of such things as housing and care is not a concern. But for others, creative ways need to be found in order for the senior to be able to live as independently and safely as possible.
Has the senior signed both a financial power of attorney and a personal care power of attorney? Is the senior’s will up to date? Does the senior even have a will?
Are one or two of the children doing so much of the caregiving that burnout is inevitable? Are those one or two children resentful of their siblings because of the lack of help from the other siblings?
Is everyone being realistic?
What role can the various family members play in the care – including physical and financial – of the senior?
Some families are able to talk openly among themselves about these issues. Sometimes the solutions come easily. Other times there may initially be some raised voices and hurt feelings. But in the end a resolution that everyone feels comfortable with is reached.
Other families put off the discussion until such time as the options are fewer, the emotional turmoil for the senior and the family is greater, the health and safety of the senior is at risk and everyone is in crisis mode. Sometimes relationships among family members are bruised, if not destroyed.
In some families, the topics of finances, investments, wills and powers of attorney are off-limits in conversations between parents and their adult children.
Are there rivalries among the adult children?
If you have more than one person involved in the discussion, many times you will have more than one opinion of what should be done.
This is where elder mediation can be of benefit to the family. Elder mediation focuses on what is best for mom or dad while at the same time minimizing family conflict.
Seniors want to be as independent as possible. Everyone wants seniors to be safe.
Mediation can help those families who are unable to talk openly and calmly about these issues.
Mediation is a process where a neutral person, called a mediator, assists the family to achieve a resolution of the issues to everyone’s mutual satisfaction. The mediator does not take anyone’s side.
The mediator will bring together the senior (where practical), the adult children, sometimes the spouses of the adult children and other necessary family members. If some of these people live a great distance away, perhaps they can participate in the mediation by way of a telephone conference call.
The mediator helps the family have a civilized conversation concerning sensitive, emotional issues.
Everyone – including the senior where practical – will be given an opportunity to be heard and to understand what everyone else is saying. It is important to remember that “understanding” does not mean “agreeing.”
Solutions are only possible when everyone has had an opportunity to express his or her views.
The mediator will do some probing of the underlying and often unspoken issues.
Mediation is confidential and informal. It can take place in the family home, the mediator’s office or some other place where everyone feels comfortable.
The skills and training of the mediator are central to the success of the mediation. In elder mediation it often helps to have a mediator who is trained in elder issues and who has experience working with seniors.
The mediator will create an atmosphere that promotes discussion and makes everyone feels safe.
Some of the other important functions of the mediator are to set guidelines for the behaviour of everyone during the mediation sessions, to facilitate the flow of information, to keep the conversations going and on track, to help everyone think of all of the options, to help break any stalemates that occur, and to act as referee when necessary.
However, the mediator does not tell anyone what the outcome will be. Together the senior and other family members arrive at a solution.
Does the senior and his or her family have all of the facts necessary to make the appropriate decisions?
Sometimes the mediator will suggest obtaining additional information from people such as geriatric care experts and other health care professionals, financial planners, accountants, lawyers and realtors.
The facts, concerns and options of the specific situation can then be shared, reviewed and discussed in a calm, non-threatening manner.
Mediation strengthens family ties and enables all family members to deal with the reality of the situation.
Mediation helps the family to improve their communication skills with each other. In so doing, the relationship among all of the family members improves. This is important for the future of that family.
The idea is to have peace and harmony in the family, instead of war and hostility.
Seniors are living longer today. They prefer to remain living in their own homes as long as possible. Seniors like their independence. They want their children to get along with each other. Seniors want to live with dignity and respect. Everyone wants seniors to be safe.
Seniors always know what is best for themselves. The children of seniors never argue about their parent’s care. Seniors have open discussions with their children about financial matters. Seniors are safe to continue driving.
For the most part, the statements in the first paragraph are true. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the statements in the second paragraph.
No one disputes the fact that being independent and active is key to a senior’s mental and physical health.
However, as seniors grow older, decisions often need to be made about where to live, should the senior continue to drive, how should financial affairs be managed and what kind of medical care is appropriate. These are tough emotional decisions often requiring difficult conversations within a family.
There are several housing options available for seniors, including their own home, an apartment, a retirement home, a long term care home (also known as a nursing home) and living with one of the senior’s children. If the senior wants to continue living on his or her own, can something be done to make that feasible?
Very few people want to give up their driver’s licence as they grow older. Many see such a step as a loss of independence. But for most families, that conversation must take place. Options need to be considered. The driving ability of a senior impacts not only the senior, but also everyone who uses the highway.
For some seniors, the financial cost of such things as housing and care is not a concern. But for others, creative ways need to be found in order for the senior to be able to live as independently and safely as possible.
Has the senior signed both a financial power of attorney and a personal care power of attorney? Is the senior’s will up to date? Does the senior even have a will?
Are one or two of the children doing so much of the caregiving that burnout is inevitable? Are those one or two children resentful of their siblings because of the lack of help from the other siblings?
Is everyone being realistic?
What role can the various family members play in the care – including physical and financial – of the senior?
Some families are able to talk openly among themselves about these issues. Sometimes the solutions come easily. Other times there may initially be some raised voices and hurt feelings. But in the end a resolution that everyone feels comfortable with is reached.
Other families put off the discussion until such time as the options are fewer, the emotional turmoil for the senior and the family is greater, the health and safety of the senior is at risk and everyone is in crisis mode. Sometimes relationships among family members are bruised, if not destroyed.
In some families, the topics of finances, investments, wills and powers of attorney are off-limits in conversations between parents and their adult children.
Are there rivalries among the adult children?
If you have more than one person involved in the discussion, many times you will have more than one opinion of what should be done.
This is where elder mediation can be of benefit to the family. Elder mediation focuses on what is best for mom or dad while at the same time minimizing family conflict.
Seniors want to be as independent as possible. Everyone wants seniors to be safe.
Mediation can help those families who are unable to talk openly and calmly about these issues.
Mediation is a process where a neutral person, called a mediator, assists the family to achieve a resolution of the issues to everyone’s mutual satisfaction. The mediator does not take anyone’s side.
The mediator will bring together the senior (where practical), the adult children, sometimes the spouses of the adult children and other necessary family members. If some of these people live a great distance away, perhaps they can participate in the mediation by way of a telephone conference call.
The mediator helps the family have a civilized conversation concerning sensitive, emotional issues.
Everyone – including the senior where practical – will be given an opportunity to be heard and to understand what everyone else is saying. It is important to remember that “understanding” does not mean “agreeing.”
Solutions are only possible when everyone has had an opportunity to express his or her views.
The mediator will do some probing of the underlying and often unspoken issues.
Mediation is confidential and informal. It can take place in the family home, the mediator’s office or some other place where everyone feels comfortable.
The skills and training of the mediator are central to the success of the mediation. In elder mediation it often helps to have a mediator who is trained in elder issues and who has experience working with seniors.
The mediator will create an atmosphere that promotes discussion and makes everyone feels safe.
Some of the other important functions of the mediator are to set guidelines for the behaviour of everyone during the mediation sessions, to facilitate the flow of information, to keep the conversations going and on track, to help everyone think of all of the options, to help break any stalemates that occur, and to act as referee when necessary.
However, the mediator does not tell anyone what the outcome will be. Together the senior and other family members arrive at a solution.
Does the senior and his or her family have all of the facts necessary to make the appropriate decisions?
Sometimes the mediator will suggest obtaining additional information from people such as geriatric care experts and other health care professionals, financial planners, accountants, lawyers and realtors.
The facts, concerns and options of the specific situation can then be shared, reviewed and discussed in a calm, non-threatening manner.
Mediation strengthens family ties and enables all family members to deal with the reality of the situation.
Mediation helps the family to improve their communication skills with each other. In so doing, the relationship among all of the family members improves. This is important for the future of that family.
The idea is to have peace and harmony in the family, instead of war and hostility.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Perspective
Life is great. As I approach 60, I think I have a sharpened perspective on people and am more deeply understanding of someone's motivation. I might not agree, but I understand. On the other end of the spectrum there are the hotheads. Hotheads are often blinded and deafened by their own noise. I don't think this personality type really doesn't get you far in the long run. I think it's better to listen and understand. This gives you the potential for bridges to deeper understanding that can lead to a great human connection.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Awareness
A skilled communicator is aware of the way he/she acts or expresses themselves. This takes practice to be mindful of our thoughts and deeds and the consequences that may result. Too often I have observed disputants, who are initially well intentioned, default to their defensive postures and say or do things which have unintended negative consequences. It may be worthwhile to give a brief pause before you let someone know what you really think, though there should be a balance, less the conversation be too contrived. On the other hand, I suppose this is context driven. If you are wooing your significant other, you better cut back on the thinking and say what you are feeling, right pronto.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Starbuck's mediation lesson for the day
The sales clerk invited me to enjoy a breakfast pairing (Coffee and a breakfast sandwich for a $.50 savings.) I asked what my choices were and she said "lowfat turkey bacon, sausage/ egg...."
I said "that one", intending to order the "lowfat turkey bacon", but, alas, becuse I was not heard or was not clear, got the sausage/egg, instead.
Lesson: Even though we think we might be clear, it may be worthwhile to check in to see if we were really heard.Oftentimes even the best communicators are not always clear. Conversely, as mediators, we need to check in with the disputants to let them know we heard them, less we have garbled communication.
I said "that one", intending to order the "lowfat turkey bacon", but, alas, becuse I was not heard or was not clear, got the sausage/egg, instead.
Lesson: Even though we think we might be clear, it may be worthwhile to check in to see if we were really heard.Oftentimes even the best communicators are not always clear. Conversely, as mediators, we need to check in with the disputants to let them know we heard them, less we have garbled communication.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Mediators are people too!
One of the things I've noticed is how rapidly I form assessments of people based on speech, dress, hygiene and how this sometimes intrudes on how I feel about someone or something. While I try to keep these judgments to myself during mediation, I know I have to be mindful of myself, and keep my personal feelings or thoughts in check which might sabotage the mediation. What brings this to mind was a contestant I saw on "America's Got Talent". (I normally don't watch this kind of stuff.....honest, I don't.) Did you see it? The unshaven country bumpkin, his hat turned backwards, with a deep southern accent, whose last job was a "chicken catcher". (There goes the judgment, again.) I was prepared to be absolutely unimpressed and fully expected this individual to make a fool of himself....Suffice it to say he had the voice of an angel and the emotion that pervaded his lyrics almost brought me to tears. Lesson. Don't judge a book by it's cover, but listen for the truth and the inner story.
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